Thanksgiving....

Ah, Thanksgiving. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes...and of course, a little extra fat around the belly area.

As much as I love stuffing my face, I'm not a fan of coming back to school a few pounds heavier. I thought going home was an "instant-thin" move...after all, my parents are health nuts who freak out at the word "fat". But nooooo, my clothes are definitely feeling a little tighter.

Anywho, today marked the start of my "skinny for the holidays" diet, a.k.a. my Christmas present to myself. If you wanna get in on this action, here's some rules to follow. I'm trying my hardest not to bitch constantly.

1.) Eat retardedly slow. One bite per minute works pretty well. This is probably the oldest trick in the book, but I think it's the best; you get full with much less food because you're giving you body time to realize it's full. But don't take huge bites, you cheater...

2.) Think about your goals when you are choosing what to eat, as well as while you are eating it. This goes long with my first rule. Think about why you're eating what's on your plate, and your reasons for wanting to get healthy. It'll keep you motivated.

3.) KEEP A FOOD JOURNAL, AND DON'T LIE IN IT. Seriously. It's easier to steer clear of junk food when you're constantly keeping an honest list of what's going into your body. You might be more reluctant to reach for that cupcake when you know you're gonna have to stare at it in your journal all day.

4.) GET OFF YOUR ASS. Duh. You're gonna have a hard time losing weight if you're sitting on the couch all day.

Day 1 was pretty good for me. Got in a much needed killer workout. Hopefully these endorphins will help make studying less hellish...

Lovelove. <3>

P.S. That's a fat turkey at the top of the post. In case you didn't get that. :)

LOL.

I witnessed quite the spectacle today. While enjoying some oysters, I noticed a group of rather annoying customers sitting nearby. They complained about everything from the food to the service, and it was obvious to me (being an ex-waitress) that they were just trying to get a free meal. If you're a server, I'm sure you're getting a very clear mental picture of exactly the type of customer I'm talking about.

At one point, while I was lost in oyster heaven, I guess these people became further angered when their server supposedly "tossed" their change at them after being fed up with their antics. What followed felt so surreal: not just one, but MULTIPLE servers got into it with these customers. They told them they knew what they were doing...just trying to get another free meal by causing drama. As these annoying customers got more heated, so did the servers. They held their ground.

Let's just say things didn't end very well. Nevertheless, it was a dream come true for me. It was as if these servers were saying everything I've ever wanted to say (but couldn't say) to cheap, rude customers. Sure, some of them are probably getting fired. But they MADE. MY. NIGHT.

For those of you who don't know what it feels like to be a server, here are some basic tips on how to be a good customer:

1.) Don't try to complain your way to a free meal. It makes your server look bad, and it makes you look like trailer trash. Then again, if you're actually doing this, you probably are trailer trash.

2.) Learn the tip scale. 10% is for shitty service. 15% is for "ok". 20% is good, and 25% is VERY good. Also, don't shaft your server by leaving a small tip on an expensive meal just because you weren't aware of how pricey it was gonna be. If you can't afford it, go to McDonald's.

3.) Don't walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close. It's rude. Would you want to stay at work for an extra hour and a half?

4.) Be nice to your server. Half the time, if something goes wrong it's not his or her fault. How would you like it if he or she came into your workplace and mentally terrorized you?

It's not rocket science, people. Get it together!

xxxxxxx

Annoying much?

Once upon a time, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was a Dietetics major, and I was convinced that I was going to continue on to become an R.D. at a rehab clinic. Specifically, I wanted to work with children who have eating disorders.

Even though that dream is dead and buried (thanks to my complete lack of math and science skills), I'm still intrigued by eating disorders. They are diseases unlike any other; they sneak in and grip the mind without anyone noticing at first. They are incredibly interesting, and I've always wanted to understand them better. Needless to say, I was pretty excited when E! came out with a show about the road to recovery for those who have an eating disorder.

Overall, the show is pretty interesting. It features all aspects of disordered eating, from anorexia and bulimia to binge eating (one girl seriously eats out of the trash) and eating chalk (wtf?!). One episode, however, reeeeally bothered me. It showcases the problems of a mom named Nicky who isn't anorexic...or bulimic...doesn't binge eat...doesn't eat weird foods...

So what's her problem?

She's afraid of cupcakes.

...Really? So now refusing to eat high-sugar foods (which I consider a good thing) is considered "disordered eating"? Puhhhlease. And when she hams it up for the camera during the "cupcake challenge"? Come on. No one believes that shit. We get it, you're skinny and you don't like sugary foods. That doesn't mean you have an eating disorder.

Here's my point, kids: eating disorders are serious. I have friends that have them. It's a nightmare for them. I also know there are people out there, especially young teens on the internet, who are just going through a phase and "trying" to be anorexic or bulimic. The truth is, though, that you can't just "become" that way; people who actually have a disease like anorexia or bulimia would probably give an arm and a leg not to have those problems in their lives.

That's why it bothers me when people like Nicky do stupid shit for attention. Fine, go ahead and try to starve yourself or whatever. The fact of the matter is, if you can look at food without being deathly afraid of eating it, you're not anorexic. If you don't suffer from severe binge/purge episodes, you're not bulimic. Stop making a mockery of my friends and the sufferers around the world who really do wake up to a struggle every day.

Thanks.

<3

WTF is up with going meat free?

For the upcoming issue of The Yeti (check out our website...http://www.theyetionline.com/), I wrote a lovely article about what vegans and vegetarians eat for the holidays. I learned some pretty interesting things, and some of the foods I read about seemed interesting (like soy or rice based ice cream)...but it made me think. Why the hell would anyone want to give up meat???

Maybe not everyone's as big of a carnivore as I am, but the thought of never eating meat again makes me wanna cry. Have you ever had what tasted like the best burger ever? Or a delicious turkey baked in the oven with the most delicious herbs on the planet?? Or what about the classic Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich???? How in the world could you give that up????

And for vegans it's more than just meat. It's any animal product. That means no more eggs, milk, or...CHEESE?? You won't eat CHEESE? That just sounds downright inhumane to me. Cheese is the very essence of my soul.

Anyway, I understand the benefits. Vegans and vegetarians tend to eat much healthier than fatties like me. You get a lot of benefits from a diet rich in veggies and fruits. At the same time, though, isn't it hard for you to get your daily requirement of protein? Animal protein is great for building muscle...so I guess have fun being flabby-skinny on your yoga mat.

Don't give me that "cruelty" crap either. I agree that maybe some companies don't exactly have the best facilities for their animals, but not eating meat isn't really going to solve that problem. You don't have to go meat free to protest the cruelty of some slaughterhouses. Just go free-range and find meat that hasn't been stuffed with hormones. And if you think the slaughtering act itself is inhumane, then you obviously have something wrong with you. From an instinctual standpoint, you should want to eat meat. It's what we've been doing...well, forever. Get with it.

You know what? Fine. If you don't want to eat meat, go you. Just don't shove it in everyone's face. I hate how books like Skinny Bitch try to force people into a vegan diet by claiming it's "healthier". In fact, I remember a specific line calling readers fat and pathetic (or something along those lines) if they aren't vegan.

Well, Skinny Bitch, The Bitch From The Gym may be "pathetic", but at least she's not miserable like you.

:)

Hugs, kisses, and lots of animal products!

Dissection of a wheat grass shot.

4:30 pm: What's this? Oh, you guys sell wheat grass shots? I heard they're really great. You know, like shooting vegetables straight into your veins. Yeah, what the hell, I want one!

4:34 pm: Wow. This thing is really green. Like, really green. I wonder what it smells like....ok, sniffing is a bad idea. Whatever, it can't be worse than a shot of plastic-bottle vodka, right? Be a man!! Bottoms up!!

4:35 pm: OMG. That was so not that bad at all. It tasted like grass. Big deal. I used to pluck grass out of the ground and eat it when I was a kid. What, that's weird? Eff you then.

4:45 pm: Hmm. Not feeling anything yet. I thought I was supposed to feel like Wonder Woman...? Oh well. Maybe it'll kick in by the time I get to Chick-Fil-A.

4:50 pm: My stomach doesn't feel so great. No big. I'm just hungry.

4:55 pm: OHMYGOD, what is wrong with me?? Have I been poisoned?? Holy shit, this line better move faster or this five year old is getting puked on.

5:00 pm: Ok, made it to the parking lot. We're on the right track. Deep breath in...deep breath out...I'm fine...I'm...

5:05 pm: Huh. Why is it coming up brown and not green...?

Lesson learned. Don't do it. I don't care what the hippies say. Soooooooo not worth it.

xoxo

On a serious note...

As some of you may already know, my possible future might include moving to L.A. Those of you who know me also know that I truly, desperately want a puppy. So, while paroozing the L.A. Craigslist for both apartments and puppies, I came across a post that really broke my heart.

I've got some pretty strong feelings about college students and pets. I think most of us (though I don't really include myself in this) aren't responsible enough to handle an animal. I've seen way too many pets neglected and sad because of the lack of attention they're getting from their owners. Also, a lot of you end up taking your pets back to the shelter because you just can't handle the situation.

Unfortunately, I've been there. I briefly tried o raise a kitten my sophomore year, and it was just way too much for me. Luckily for the kitten, though, I personally knew someone who really wanted her. Now, she has a wonderful home and is a spoiled little brat.

Most pets, though, are not as lucky as she was. Please read this Craiglist post that I've linked to my page, and really think about it before you decide to adopt a pet.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/pet/2049266853.html

Animals have souls like we do. They hurt and feel like we do, too. Their lives are precious. Really give this some thought, people.

Night.

<3>

Teaching the assholes a lesson...

Ohmygod. I just had the best idea ever.

Just a while ago, I was thinking about men. Specifically, I was thinking about how some of them can be selfish creatures who can't fathom anything other than getting their way. In every situation.

To my ladies out there: haven't you noticed how insanely widespread the double standard is? It isn't just about sex. Almost any situation has a double standard. Men treat you with disrespect and call you "stupid" if you don't have career goals; at the same time, you are never allowed to outshine them in the working world. They distance themselves from you when you are sad and complain if you want to talk about how you feel, but expect you to baby them and tend to their physical and emotional needs.

On top of it all, they want to have their cake and eat it too. Too many men these days think it's perfectly alright to keep a good girl at home and have their freaks on the side. They expect loyalty from you and can't give it back. Men do evil, awful shit all the time.

It's time to get even, ladies.

So, here's my idea. Let's say you've got a guy you've been with for a long time. You think everything's going wonderfully, and you're on the track to your dream wedding, babies, etc. Then, one day, your world comes crashing down on you. You find out he's been boning some girl from the office; you know, the anorexic blonde with plastic boobs. You're crushed, and you're trying to find a way to put your thoughts together and confront him when he surprises you. He gets down on one knee and asks you, the girl who has always been so wonderful and loyal to him, to be his wife.

How ironic. He's been doing the nasty with some slut and realized how great it is that he's got a good girl at home.

Now, you're probably thinking that any girl in her right mind should slap him and say NO. However, I've got a better plan. Bottle up your rage, fake a huge smile, and give him a great big YES!! Let him slip that huge rock on your finger. Wait a week or so, then write a nice little note to him detailing all the reasons you can't marry him (including the fact that you know about his little whore). Leave it someplace he'll find it, and make sure you're long gone by the time he sees it.

He'll be in a frenzy. Chances are, he'll be calling you off the hook trying to explain himself (why do they always think they can get away with shit by making up excuses??). Eventually, when he finally realizes you're gone for good, he'll probably ask for that insanely expensive ring back.

That's when you send him an email containing all the crazy pictures you took from your nice little weekend getaway with the girls in Vegas...financed by his fancy little engagement ring.

Burn.

:)

I don't know why I'm so evil. I really don't. This has nothing to do with my own life...I've got the most amazing man in the world. I guess I'm just sick and tired of seeing other girls get treated like crap. It's time to put your foot down, ladies. Men do shady shit to you all the time and laugh about it with their friends. I'm just offering you a way to do the same.

Don't you think you deserve it?

I do.

Besos! <3

Karma: Bitchier than the Bitch From the Gym!

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about karma.

There are a lot of things in this world that I really don't believe in. I don't believe a person can change their core personality. I don't believe that God/Whoever wants to micromanage our lives. I don't believe a college degree makes you intelligent. What I do believe in, and what I will always believe in, is karma.

Think about it: have you ever had the most awesome week ever? Everything good seems to be happening to you? You're like freakin' Good Luck Chuck? Or, have you ever had ten bad things happen to you in a row? You fail a test, lose your wallet, get a parking ticket, and fall flat on your face in front of hundreds of people...all before noon??

I think that someone or something is constantly taking note of how we treat people on a daily basis. THAT is karma. I know I say a lot of evil and bitchy things (both in this blog and out loud), but I know it's gonna come back and kick me in the ass. When I'm having a shitty day, I think, "Maybe I shouldn't have made fun of that fatass" or "Maybe I shouldn't have laughed at how ugly that chick was." I know, I'm completely and utterly awful. But if you think I'm not getting paid back for it, think again.

Karma's not all bad, though. For every horrible day I have, there are excellent days to make up for it. I think I've got a lot of good karma in my life for all the good things I've done, like being a good/loyal girlfriend, an obedient daughter (though that's a more recent transformation), and a good friend. When I see people drop things (money, etc.), I give it back instead of keeping it for myself. I also think I'm being paid back for all the shitty things some people have done to me, but hey, who knows?

So, we really do need to be good to each other. Stop being selfish. Think about the needs of the people in your life, and try to do what's best for them instead of just doing what's best for yourself. Find yourself flirting with everyone BUT your girlfriend? Think of her and break it off instead of having your cake and eating it too. Been fighting with your mom every time she calls? Check your attitude and be grateful for everything she's done for you. Find a designer wallet lying on the ground? Turn it in somewhere; someone probably really loved that thing and would be thrilled to get it back.

You might not get the rewards right away, but when you do get them, life will be absolutely lovely.

Love love.

16 and retarded.

Sorry I've been M.I.A. for a few days. Grandma passed away Sunday morning, ending a very long struggle with Alzheimer's. Rest in peace, Grandma. We all miss you.

Now, on to something Grandma would have LOVED for me to discuss with all of you fine people: everyone's favorite show, 16 and Pregnant! Underage ladies, here's a message for YOU!

Let me start off by saying that all of the girls on this show seriously have to be legally retarded. I don't want to start a debate on the whole pro life/pro choice issue, but...HELLO??? What makes you think it's gonna be an awesome idea to have a kid when you're still in high school? You are throwing away your youth based on one stupid mistake, and as much as you love that little creature that slithered out of your vajay, you're always going to resent it. How would you like to grow up knowing that YOU are the reason your mom didn't get to go to college? Although that might not be a bad thing...who knows what trouble she would have gotten into in college? I'll give you a hint: it involves a bottle of Everclear and ten naked frat boys.

Second, think of the economics of that decision. You're 16. You can't afford...well, anything really. Now, you're probably dooming yourself to a shitty job for the rest of your life. Hope you like saying "Welcome to Walmart".

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty: the baby daddy. The reason you're supposed to wait until you're older to have babies is that you've given the man in your life ample time to mature (and trust me...it's a slooooooooooow process). When a guy is 16, he's not thinking "Wow, I'd really like to settle down with this girl and raise a nice little family." He's thinking, "Wow, I would really like to stick my penis into lots of people/objects. And then maybe do some mushrooms. Yeah, sweet!" All these girls on the show are thinking that this baby is gonna be the eternal tie between themselves and their boyfriends. They're right on some level; he's probably always gonna be around to some extent. But, guess what?? He doesn't have to marry you!! And he's not going to, because you don't know anything about love or marriage when you're 16.

I mean, seriously. Just watch the show. All those stupid girls who thought they were gonna get married and all that bullshit are now single white trash on "Teen Mom". Oh, wait...except for one couple...Caitlin and Tyler! You know, the ones who gave the baby up for adoption. Good for them! Sure, they still say stupid shit about how they're gonna be together forever (which obviously means they'll be broken up after the first week of college), but still. I applaud them.

This is a rather long post, so I'll break it down into a simple equation for those who can't process this much reading material (i.e. the majority of American youth): getting pregnant at 16 = shitty life - baby daddy. It's that simple.

Also, as a general rule of thumb, don't have a baby with a guy until you KNOW he's in it for the long haul. I thought that was obvious, but apparently it's not...which is why we have this show in the first place...

I need a beer.

xo