16 and retarded.

Sorry I've been M.I.A. for a few days. Grandma passed away Sunday morning, ending a very long struggle with Alzheimer's. Rest in peace, Grandma. We all miss you.

Now, on to something Grandma would have LOVED for me to discuss with all of you fine people: everyone's favorite show, 16 and Pregnant! Underage ladies, here's a message for YOU!

Let me start off by saying that all of the girls on this show seriously have to be legally retarded. I don't want to start a debate on the whole pro life/pro choice issue, but...HELLO??? What makes you think it's gonna be an awesome idea to have a kid when you're still in high school? You are throwing away your youth based on one stupid mistake, and as much as you love that little creature that slithered out of your vajay, you're always going to resent it. How would you like to grow up knowing that YOU are the reason your mom didn't get to go to college? Although that might not be a bad thing...who knows what trouble she would have gotten into in college? I'll give you a hint: it involves a bottle of Everclear and ten naked frat boys.

Second, think of the economics of that decision. You're 16. You can't afford...well, anything really. Now, you're probably dooming yourself to a shitty job for the rest of your life. Hope you like saying "Welcome to Walmart".

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty: the baby daddy. The reason you're supposed to wait until you're older to have babies is that you've given the man in your life ample time to mature (and trust me...it's a slooooooooooow process). When a guy is 16, he's not thinking "Wow, I'd really like to settle down with this girl and raise a nice little family." He's thinking, "Wow, I would really like to stick my penis into lots of people/objects. And then maybe do some mushrooms. Yeah, sweet!" All these girls on the show are thinking that this baby is gonna be the eternal tie between themselves and their boyfriends. They're right on some level; he's probably always gonna be around to some extent. But, guess what?? He doesn't have to marry you!! And he's not going to, because you don't know anything about love or marriage when you're 16.

I mean, seriously. Just watch the show. All those stupid girls who thought they were gonna get married and all that bullshit are now single white trash on "Teen Mom". Oh, wait...except for one couple...Caitlin and Tyler! You know, the ones who gave the baby up for adoption. Good for them! Sure, they still say stupid shit about how they're gonna be together forever (which obviously means they'll be broken up after the first week of college), but still. I applaud them.

This is a rather long post, so I'll break it down into a simple equation for those who can't process this much reading material (i.e. the majority of American youth): getting pregnant at 16 = shitty life - baby daddy. It's that simple.

Also, as a general rule of thumb, don't have a baby with a guy until you KNOW he's in it for the long haul. I thought that was obvious, but apparently it's not...which is why we have this show in the first place...

I need a beer.

xo