Daily Verbal Assault, Cheltoberfest Edition!

Today is my dearest friend Chelsea's birthday party, otherwise known as CHELTOBERFEST!!

Not only is this lovely lady one of my besties, but she's also basically the most awesome instructor the Leach has to offer. Turbokick, Cardio Party, Spinning...take your pick. All with that typical Chelsea booty-shaking style you won't find in other classes. :)

So, happy birthday Chels, and let's get crunkkkkk.

Which comes, of course, to my daily verbal assault!

So, all you college students around there. Wondering how you went from rock solid to nice n' doughy these past few years? Well, here's your answer.

Alcohol.

Let's not play coy here. We all know that, under your belly-covering shirts, you're hiding a squishy little monster. Perplexed? Take a look at that beer you're drinking...well...pretty much all the time. Beer is loaded with calories. Even most light beers average around 100 calories or more. And on a typical night of partying, you're drinking, what, like 6 or 7? At least? That's 600-700 calories right there. Over half of the calories you need in a day. Nice, fattening, empty carbs.

And don't let those 50-60 calorie beers fool you. They typically have less alcohol, which means you're drinking more of them just to get a buzz going.

Ladies, don't think you're smart with that fruity little concoction you're sipping on. Most of those drinks have just under 100 calories just for the liquor in them. You add cranberry juice, OJ, etc. to that little concoction and...damn girl, you've got yourself some thunder thighs in a glass.

For you classy little wine-o's, that glass in your hand is costing you 1oo calories as well. And you know you're not drinking just one. Plus, wine sucks and is probably the most boring form of alcohol ever. Sorry.

Not like any of this really matters, because we're all still gonna run out and be wasted little chubby bunnies every weekend (or every day, whatever your deal is). So, if you wanna cut back on the catastrophic damage, you've got a few options:

1.) Be a man and take shots. You won't have to drink as much to get wasted (compared to beer, where you've got lower alcohol content and have to drink more). Also, you're getting your calories strictly from alcohol instead of bitchy little mixers. Another variation of this option is to drink straight out of the bottle like I do, because I am an extremely classy person.

2.) Mix your shit with water or tonic. No calories, duh. However, this one pretty much only works with vodka and is also disgusting.

3.) Mix your shit with water/tonic and then add crystal light. Tasty, fewer calories, and you'll be shitfaced in no time. Once again, only works with vodka.

4.) Don't drink. B.O.R.I.N.G.

5.) Start going to the gym you lazy little weirdos. You'll burn off all those calories and be a more awesome person in general, like myself and all of my gym friends (xoxo). Actually scratch that, you'll never be as cool as us. :)

5.) Do what I did my whole freshman year and get so drunk that you throw it all up. Also, get perpetually made fun of at every party you go to for being the only person passed out on top of a table/dryer/under the pool table way before the party's even over. Freak.

Do these things or doom yourself to keeping that freshman 15 on until you graduate and are forced to give up binge drinking for your "Big Person Job".

Hope I didn't ruin it for you, you alchies :)

Anyway, love you! Let's get wasted!